Crazy shit goes through your head when you’re walking around Paris.
So today I’m walking around Paris. By now, I’ve got a pretty decent lay of the land and don’t need my maps like I did before. Except I got lost yesterday and missed my Skype call with my mom. Worst part: Not even five minutes from my apartment. Lost. Came out of one street and was all, WTF am I doing back at my apartment? Since I’m here, might as well go pee.
Public bathrooms in Paris: Utkatasana Chair Pose.
So today I’m walking and conjuring up what I plan on saying when I’m on the Ellen DeGeneres Show.
Not that she’s asked. But when she does. She will call.
I’d walk on after her brief witty introduction. The audience would laugh and clap. I’d walk in all skinny and svelte. She’d say I was looking good.
Janice: Well Ellen, I’m not really this thin. I just look thin on TV.
Ellen: That’s odd. I always heard the opposite was true.
Janice: No no. Because out there, in the not-TV world, I don’t wear Spanx. Right now I’m folded into some tight ass Spanx. When I get out of these later it’s gonna be all Jabba the Hutt. It’ll all just fall out and my boobs will hang low and wobble to and fro.
Audience: (Laughter, obviously)
Ellen: Really? So you’re all tucked in there?
Janice: Sure am. Want to see?
Janice: (Lifts up skirt to reveal said Spanx)
Audience: (In stitches because I’m being all real and shit)
Janice: You know, I saw this advertisement once. It was for a gym. The headline was “When they come they’ll eat the fat ones first.”
Audience: (Laughing hysterically)
Janice: The ad got a whole lot of bad press, which naturally meant the gym memberships went up. You know how that goes. They are right though. They will come. But will they really eat the fat ones first? I mean, think about it. What if you don’t have a big family of aliens to feed? I mean, why get a fat one when you really only need a thin one. Maybe your alien children decided to stay at school and hang with their friends for the holidays trying to be all “How I Met Your Alien Mother” and you’re left with just you and the man that made those ingrates and you don’t need a big human to feed just the two of you.
Audience: (Laughing but wondering where this is going)
Janice: And what if the aliens picked up me as I left the Ellen DeGeneres Show in my Spanx. The jokes on them. Turns out, they got themselves a fat one when they meant to get themselves a thin one and before you know it, it’s leftovers for a week. We’re talking human sandwiches, human soup, there’s a casserole involved. Some goes in the freezer. It’s a whole thing.
Ellen: Ya, ya. I see you’re point there.
Janice: Listen to me, running off with the mouth like I’m Robin Williams or something. Man that guy is funny. I’ve got to wear Depends when I watch him. Imagine if he were on this show with me right now. I’d have to wear Spanx and Depends.
Ellen: (She’s got tears but I can’t tell if it’s from laughing or crying) Why don’t you tell us about your new book.